The Anxious Parent's Guide: staying regulated when your kids push every button

"How are you doing?" my clients have been asking these past few weeks. My response? "Yeah, you know... still school holidays."

That knowing laugh that follows tells me everything. We're all in the trenches together; navigating the beautiful chaos of extended time with our children, while trying to maintain some semblance of our own individual needs.

It's 2pm on a Tuesday in the school holidays. Your teenager just stomped out of the room with a face you would need a crystal ball to decipher, your youngest is having a meltdown about screen time ending, and you can feel your own nervous system preparing for war. Your chest tightens, your thoughts start racing about whether you're failing as a parent, and suddenly you're snapping at everyone. Sound familiar?

Why our kids trigger us like no one else can

There's a reason your children can push your buttons in ways that would make seasoned colleagues seem like peaceful meditation teachers. Your nervous system is biologically wired to be hypervigilant about your children's safety and wellbeing. When they're distressed, your survival brain interprets it as a threat to be solved immediately.

Add to this the fact that your children's behaviour often echoes patterns from your own childhood: the tone of voice that reminds you of feeling unheard, the defiance that triggers memories of your own powerlessness, or the emotional overwhelm that activates your old caretaking patterns. Your nervous system doesn't distinguish between past and present; it just knows something familiar and threatening is happening.

Meanwhile, your children are operating from their own developing nervous systems. A teenager's brain won't be fully developed until their mid-twenties, and they're literally learning to regulate big emotions in real time. When their nervous system goes into fight-or-flight, it can trigger yours, creating a feedback loop of escalating activation.

The three languages in parenting chaos

Remember the anxiety decoder from our last conversation? Those three languages - physical, emotional and mental - become crucial navigation tools when you're in the thick of parenting stress.

Physical language might show up as that familiar shoulder tension when you hear bickering start, the shallow breathing during homework battles or bedtime routine, or the way your whole body braces when you hear "Mum!" called in that tone. These physical signals are your early warning system they're telling you your nervous system is moving toward activation, before you're consciously aware of it.

Emotional language often manifests as that surge of overwhelm when everyone needs you at once, the frustration that bubbles up when the same argument happens for the fifteenth time, or the guilt that washes over you when you've reacted instead of responded. These emotions aren't character flaws, they're information about what your system needs in that moment.

Mental language shows up as the racing thoughts about whether you're damaging your children, the endless internal chatter about what you should be doing differently, or the catastrophic predictions about their future based on today's behaviour. Your thinking brain is trying to problem-solve its way out of the discomfort, but often just creates more internal chaos.

The regulation step-aside

In my own parenting journey I’ve learned that sometimes, the most loving thing you can do, is step away and regulate yourself first. This is modelling at its finest (not abandonment). It's showing your children that when our nervous systems get activated, we can take care of ourselves rather than exploding all over everyone else.

The step-aside might look like saying "I need two minutes to catch my breath so I can come back and deal with this / have fun together”. It might be literally stepping into another room to take five deep breaths, or putting yourself in timeout while you use your anxiety decoder to figure out what's happening in your system and bring regulation back.

You’re not practicing perfect parenting – you’re working on your human parenting. You're teaching your children that big emotions are manageable, that adults take responsibility for their own regulation, and that it's safe to feel overwhelmed sometimes.

The constant dance

Parenting is a constant dance in and out of regulation, and that's completely normal. You might start the morning feeling centred and grounded, then find yourself completely activated by 10am when the third sibling fight breaks out. You regulate, find your centre again, then get triggered an hour later by teenage attitude.

This is the reality of having your nervous system constantly interfaced with other developing nervous systems. Your children's emotional states, their volume levels, their needs and demands, all impact your own regulation. Add in external pressures like work deadlines, financial stress, or your own tiredness, and it's no wonder your nervous system is working overtime.

As no one can’t stay perfectly regulated all the time, the goal here is to notice when we're moving out of regulation and have tools to find our way back - yes, sometimes multiple times per day!

Quick tools for the chaos moments

When you're in the thick of a parenting moment and can feel your nervous system activating, try these rapid regulation techniques:

The bathroom pause: Excuse yourself for a bathroom break (even if you don't need one) and use that privacy to shake out your arms and legs, do 10 jumping jacks, shake your whole body like you're shaking off water, roll your shoulders, move your head in different directions… Notice how good it feels to be in your own body and allow the sensations to sink in; for a moment, let them be your focus.

The repair mindset: When you inevitably react from activation instead of responding from regulation, remember that repair is more important than perfection. "I'm sorry I raised my voice. I was feeling overwhelmed, I’m sorry if it upset you."

The grounding touch: Press your feet firmly into the floor and squeeze your hands together for 10 seconds. This activates your proprioceptive system and brings you back into your body when emotions feel too big.

The temperature shift: Run cold water over your wrists, splash cool water on your face, or hold an ice cube. Temperature changes activate your vagus nerve and can quickly shift you out of fight-or-flight mode.

The stealth regulation: Even while still in the room with your children, you can regulate by pressing your tongue to the roof of your mouth, tensing and releasing your shoulder muscles, or tracing a figure-8 pattern with your finger on your leg. These micro-movements calm your nervous system without anyone knowing you're doing them.

 Modelling vs. Managing

There’s a beautiful paradox to all this: the more you focus on managing your own nervous system, the less you need to manage your children's. When you're regulated, you become a calming presence that helps their nervous systems settle. When you're activated, you often add fuel to their emotional fire.

Your children are always watching and learning from how you handle stress, overwhelm and big emotions. Every time you step aside to regulate, every time you acknowledge your own feelings without making them anyone else's problem, every time you repair after a reactive moment, you're teaching them invaluable life skills.

An important reminder

School holidays will end. The intensity will ease. Your children's nervous systems will continue developing and maturing. But the skills you build now - recognising your triggers, using your anxiety decoder, stepping aside when needed, and repairing when you're human - these will serve your family for years to come.

You're not just surviving the chaos. You're modelling for your children what it looks like to be human, to have big feelings, and to take care of yourself in the process. That's not just good parenting - that's revolutionary parenting!