Why jealousy wasn't the problem: the hidden message
Jul 04, 2025
"I need to work on this jealousy thing - it's creating problems in my relationship."
My client, a fellow therapist, had just finished describing the familiar ache of watching her partner give attention to someone else. She was already moving toward her usual strategy: analyse it, understand it, and find a way to make it go away.
"Wait", I said. "Stay there with me for a moment… in the jealousy."
She paused, looked down, took a deep breath. No resistance - just curiosity.
What happened next changed everything.
The emotion we're taught to eliminate
Jealousy might be one of our most misunderstood emotions. We're conditioned to see it as petty, destructive, something that reveals our worst qualities. Partners tell us it's "unattractive" or "creates distance". We're taught that mature people don't feel jealous - they feel secure, trusting, evolved.
But what if jealousy isn't, in itself, the problem? What if it's actually carrying vital information about our deepest needs?
The breakthrough moment
As we stayed with her jealousy instead of rushing to fix it, something remarkable emerged. I asked her about her childhood, about jealousy toward her siblings.
"I never felt jealous of them", she said. "My role was siding with mum".
And there it was - the golden thread!
She had stepped away from her natural place as a child who should have been allowed to feel jealous, into a parentified role where she became responsible for her siblings' wellbeing. She had to suppress her own needs, her own feelings, to maintain that alliance with her mother.
Her jealousy that day wasn't about her partner. It was her inner child finally speaking up, as she vocalised it herself: "I'm not you, I have my own feelings too, and I'm f*** jealous!”
What jealousy was really saying
That raw declaration contained everything she'd been unable to express as a child. Her jealousy was her deeper self's way of asserting her right to exist as a separate person with her own needs.
When she felt jealous watching her partner give attention to others, she wasn't being possessive or insecure. She was finally claiming her right to want something for herself, to have feelings that might not be convenient for others.
The jealousy was gold because it held the key to her authentic self - the part that had been buried under years of being the "good" child who didn't make waves, who didn't have inconvenient feelings.
The pattern that keeps us stuck
Here's what fascinated me about her story: her current partner was unconsciously recreating the same dynamic as her mother. Just as her mother had made jealousy unwelcome, her partner reinforced that jealousy "created distance" and needed to be fixed.
She was still seeking permission to have her own feelings.
But emotions don't need permission. They need recognition, understanding, and integration.
The transformation
By the end of our session, something fundamental had shifted. She no longer saw jealousy as something to eliminate. She saw it as information - her inner compass pointing toward her own needs and boundaries.
She realised she could feel jealous without making it her partner's responsibility to fix it, by clearly owning up to her own emotions. She could communicate her feelings without apologising for having them. She could exist as a separate person within her relationship, instead of constantly adapting to keep the peace.
The emotions that heal us
This is what I see repeatedly in my practice: the emotions we're most desperate to eliminate, often contain the medicine we need most. Just as I've written about how anxiety isn't your enemy, but an attempt to protect us. Anger might be defending our boundaries. Sadness might be honouring what we've lost.
And jealousy? Jealousy might be our authentic self, demanding to be seen and valued.
Your own golden emotions
Consider the emotions you've been taught to see as problems. The feelings you apologise for having, the responses you try to manage or eliminate.
What if they're not problems to be solved, but messengers carrying important information?
What if the very thing you're trying to fix is actually trying to heal you?
Your emotions aren't your enemies. They're your inner guidance system, pointing you toward what needs attention, what needs protection, what needs to be reclaimed.
The question isn't how to get rid of difficult emotions. It's how to listen to what they're trying to tell you.
Sometimes the gold is hidden in the places we least want to look.
Ready to explore what your emotions and patterns might be trying to tell you?Ā Take theĀ 6-Dimension Wellbeing AssessmentĀ and discover which areas of your nervous system may benefit from attention. It takes just 2 minutes and provides personalized insights for your transformation journey.
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